Truth. A light in the darkness.

I feel like starting this post with "reporting to you from the depths..."  Although it wouldn't be completely accurate.  It would be more accurate to say "reporting to you from the surface..." where I have been waiting... not-so-patiently treading water.  

And, I am getting tired.  

If you haven't figured it out, I am referring to my depression.  Actually, if you are wondering where I have been for the past month, I have been kind of waiting to be on the 'other side' so that I could have started this post with "reporting to you from the other side..."

I am not on the other side.

I am reticent to report to you from this place, and yet, I know that it is what needs doing.  As a yoga teacher, a friend, a daughter, a wife, and even more so; a coach, I have always felt like I needed to deny these dips.  To lay low until they passed.  I have felt like I wasn't "allowed" to feel this way.  

This post is an attempt to undo part (if not all) of that story.  

The truth is, they still happen.  Some last longer than others, and looking back, this one has been around since the beginning of December.  

Sure, I know my triggers.  The darkness of the winter months (I suppose that is called seasonal affective disorder), the bitter cold of the climate in which I live, lack of sleep (last night I had about 4 hours because my son is literally on ROUND 4 of this cold/flu season).  

I have come to know the signs/symptoms of these 'dips'... low energy, extreme irritability (esp. on mornings like this), fits of crying - largely spent on the floor of my closet.  

All of this is/has been true on this go around, and yet one thing is for certain, something has changed.  

Looking back on my life, I can see that I have been suffering with depression for most, if not all, of my adult life.  I would estimate that it actually started in junior high school, although I am not sure exactly.  I have been doing a bit of 'light reading' on the topic lately (even though I have a degree in psychology, I had largely forgotten all that I had learned more than a decade ago).  My actual diagnosis is that of 'Post-partum depression' although I know now that it is more likely to be 'Clinical depression' -- meaning a depression that is due to a biochemical imbalance in the brain and one that continually cycles, year after year.  There is no real 'cure' other than medication and I have been there, done that... hopefully never to return.

And so here I am, riding out yet another 'storm'.  

The funny part is, I now know that these periods, these lows, these dips, aren't even real.  They feel real in a very physical and emotional sense, but they aren't.  Somehow I have managed to separate the truth of my essence (the real me) from this experience.  

What does this mean? (This is the part where I can hear my perceived skepticism bouncing back at me)...

Well, let me describe it to you this way... I used to become these dips, this darkness.  I used to allow it to permeate every single thought, every moment, every cell of my being.  I think that on some level that I was addicted to it.  Addicted to its familiarity, taking some kind of deranged comfort as it enveloped me in its grasp, virtually smothering me.  

I can honestly say it isn't like that any more.  My experience has completely changed.  I am no longer debilitated nearly to the same degree by these dips as I used to be.  In the past two months, I have managed to go to work, feed my family, visit with friends, even LAUGH.  You know, live.  

Now, maybe you are thinking, this girl is delusional... she doesn't look/seem/act depressed AT ALL!  And if you think that, that makes me glad.  Not that I am trying to fool you, or myself.  I am simply trying to allow these dips to flow right through me.  I am trying to be present to them as they pass through my life.  I am trying to view them as 'flowers' being thrown at me rather than 'arrows' being fired (see this Buddhist reference here).  I am trying to receive the gifts that are inherent with any trying times.  

And, its working.

You see, I have a few things going for me now that I didn't have before:

1. I know when I am 'in it' and I no longer deny that I am (to myself anyway, and now apparently to you).

2. When I am in it, I access my resources... and I have many.  

• My husband: God BLESS this man
• My mom and dad: unbelievable in their unconditional love and support of me
• My friends: I am truly Grateful and Grace-filled in their loving presence
• My coach: remarkable, talented and steadfast
• And the odd indulgence... one of which is below.

One of my 'coping strategies' is to envision myself running away.  I think that it is truly representative of my searching outside of myself for what I know lies within (LIGHT), but on the truly dark days, I completely indulge this fantasy.  Yesterday was one of them and here is a light-hearted depiction of one of these fantasies:

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.  Dealing with what is...

"It is so basic in us to feel that things should go well for us, and that if we start to feel depressed, lonely or inadequate, there's been some kind of mistake or we've lost it.  In reality, when you feel depressed, lonely, betrayed, or any unwanted feelings, this is an important moment on the spiritual path.  This is when real transformation can take place."
~Pema Chodron

If you're still reading, thanks for listening.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

xoxo

Thou Shalt Not Covet

No, I am not about to launch into a sermon or anything like that, and NO, of course I am not coveting my neighbour's spouse (ew), however the title for this entry is very fitting and here's why...  Remember a few weeks ago when I was talking about my unhealthy attachment to things?  Well, I have been working really hard at trying to get past this issue, in fact, I have been thinking about it so much that you could even say that I have been obsessing about it (not coveting, obsessing... and yes, they're different).  This obsession has led me to having fantastical thoughts.  In these thoughts, I have been trying to imagine a world where people truly aren't attached to any material thing.  Now this notion might sound completely ridiculous to most of us living in Western society, however there are cultures in this world who actually practice this type of lifestyle.  In particular, I am thinking about the various groups of Buddhist monks who live around the world, but particularly those in Asia.  About eight years ago, I took a course in University in which I studied Buddhist culture and all I remember feeling was ENVY (yes, yet another sin).  I guess what I am trying to say is that that I have been attracted to a simpler lifestyle for quite some time now.  In fact, part of me has always fantasized about running off to live in some ashram in India, however since those fantasies have come into being, I have been with my now-husband (then-boyfriend) Trent, and for those of you who know Trent... well, let's just say that wouldn't have gone over very well.  So, I guess you could say that I chose love over my fantasies of living in extreme simplicity.  And now, well, I continue to choose my family over that same level of simplicity.  I guess what I am saying is that I am trying to find ways in my current life in which I can try to practice some of the values that I continue to find myself so attracted to.

Here is an example.  Look around your house.  How many objects can you see that you are not using to their fullest potential?  Here are some ways to think about this question:

• Have you used the object in the last day, week, month, year?
• Maybe it is an object that you used once or twice but likely won't again (book, dvd, etc.)
• When do you think that you might use that object again?  Could someone else be using it or enjoying it in the meantime?
• Ask yourself the 'whys' behind the 'stuff' in your house.  Why do I have that?  Why am I keeping that?  Why did I buy that? 

For instance, from where I am sitting right now, I can see a whole bunch of books that I absolutely loved reading.  So, in my way of thinking, shouldn't I try to pass them along to someone else that I think might also enjoy them?  I am not saying that I should put all of my books in a bag and drop them off at the thrift store, but maybe I could pick a few each week to 'gift' to friends or family who I think might enjoy them.  Books are an easy one, and I actually have been doing this for some time now, but how many books are you hanging onto because you 'loved' them?  I say, if you love them, share the LOVE!

Okay, another example.  Baby stuff.  As you know, Trent and I have one baby, and are still thinking of having maybe one more, but I had a whole pile of stuff sitting in my basement not being used.  This makes me totally crazy, so, I farmed it out to my friends who have babies.  Am I worried about what would happen if I had another one?  No, because in my way of thinking, people will just keep paying it forward and we'll either end up with some of the same stuff or maybe even different stuff.  After all, it is just that: 'stuff'.  And 'stuff' isn't as important as people, or the relationships that you have with them.  Oh, and giving 'stuff' to people and sharing the wealth that you have with others actually improves the way that you feel about yourself in the world.  And no, I am not exaggerating. 

Okay, now for the realistic side of my brain to speak.  I know that the above notions aren't going to work for everyone.  With my ridiculous fantastical notions of the above utopian lifestyle, I hope you know that I am trying to make a reasonable point.  The point is this: if you're not using it, find someone who will, and if you don't need to buy it, don't.  If it helps, try to think of all of your 'objects' as little people who need good 'homes' (as long as this doesn't automatically increase your attachment to them!)

I think that it is in our human nature to covet the objects that we have spent our hard-earned money on.  I will readily admit that there are definitely objects in my house that I am still 'attached' to.  But these are objects that I use (and love) everyday, and that I get a great deal of use out of. 

These are some of my thoughts (and fantasies) of late.  I have had a lot of time to think lately as I have been in bed with the flu for the past few days so I apologize for the lack of writing.  You can expect me to post more regularly this week!

“Covet wealth, and want it; don't, and luck will grant it” - Chinese Proverb

Marebare :)