Post 3 of 6: Coaching = the perfect pair of pants

I hope you don't mind, but I am going to take some liberties with the order of the list I am working on.

As such, today's topic is going to be on "being more disciplined with my practice".

Maybe this is clear as day to you, and maybe this is a bit muddy, but either way, I would like to explore what I mean by the word "practice".

When I think of the word practice, I think of an action (or actions) that you repeat, with the intention of honing or finessing the skill(s) involved, of improving or maintaining them in some way.

For me, the action(s) or skills that I am working at, that I am practicing, are those that have served as "tools" in my journey towards personal transformation. These tools being yoga, mindfulness, contemplation, meditation, Gratitude, writing, setting intentions, and ceremony.

In my New Year's post - I talked about how I needed to get bored this year.  A pattern that exists in my life is that I willingly try something new, throw myself fervently into that activity or project.  You saw this with the start of this whole thing; MareBare Necessities.  Actually, the fact that I even completed the one-year challenge is a bit of miracle, because typically, when my "new thing" starts to plateau and lose its lustre, boredom sets in and I am off looking for my next new thing.  My whole life I have been repeating this pattern, leaving a trail of unfinished projects behind me.

There are lots of examples; knitting, sewing, gardening, foraging, photography, scrapbooking, a whole host of outdoor sports, but perhaps the best example is my choice of career.

A few of my hobbies...

In the past I have jokingly said that I have tried different careers on like pants.  Endlessly searching for that "perfect fit".

About a year ago, I found it.  Coaching = the perfect pair of pants.

It is exactly what I have been looking for, and I can honestly say that it is my dream job, but now that the newness of it has started to wear off, I am really being tested.

Can I settle in?  Can I navigate the plateau?  Can I sit with the part of me that is addicted to all that is new and shiny?

I know that I can and that I will, but it will require discipline.  A strong commitment to myself, to this path.

From my heart to yours,

xoxo M.

Post 2 of 6: Dieting is for Dodo Birds.

Yesterday we talked about the word discipline and how we were going to attempt to turn around its bad reputation.

Today I want to talk about the first item on my list:

Be even more disciplined with my food. 

I would love to know how many people wrote down a similar resolution this past New Year's?  You know what I am talking about..."Lose 15, 20, 50 pounds this year"..."Stick to my Paleo diet"..."No more snacks after dinner"...etc.

And if that was you, don't worry, I can relate.  After high school (while recovering from the binging-purging behaviors that come with bulimia), I put on about 50 pounds.  For most of my 20's I weighed a good 20-40 pounds more than I do now.  And I was so unhappy with my body.  If I loathed myself while I was skinny and bulimic, just imagine how I felt about my body when it was "fat".  So for all of you who hold similar beliefs about your body, I can empathize.  (In case you missed it - you can read more on the body image topic here).

Every New Years during that time (and frankly, every other week), I would desperately try to problem-solve my way out of this dilemma.  I tried the SouthBeach diet, the Bloodtype diet, the GI diet, the Body for Life diet, I gave up wheat, I gave up meat, I gave up dairy, I tried weight watchers...nothing worked.  At least, not over the long term.

Now, I need to clarify something here.  There is nothing wrong with any of those eating plans/diets/lifestyles.  Most of them encourage you to eat better, get more exercise, and generally take better care of yourself, which are all good ideas.  

For me, the missing part of the equation, the thing that was guaranteeing my failure each time, was the voice in my head.

You see, each time I embarked on another diet, I did it with this as my mantra, "I am so fat.  If I could just lose x lbs, I would be so much happier".  Hmmmm....do you see the problem here?

Maybe you do (and if so, great), but if not, consider this: our thoughts create our reality.  Meaning, my thought, "I am so fat", was true because I believed it.  I was telling myself that "fact" all day.  And each time I put food in my mouth, I did it from this point of view.  Food was the enemy, food was making me fat.  Woah...talk about giving all of my power away!

Now, if you have done the FIERCE Integrity e-Course, you know how I turned this around.  Actually, it's in my upcoming book too, but I will give you a hint.

In order for my body to change, I had to change my thoughts about it.

The voice had to become more loving, more accepting, more kind.  My relationship with food had to change too.  I had to stop using food as an opportunity to punish, and instead use it as an opportunity to nourish.

Because of this inner work, my self-discipline resolution around food is radically different today than it was back then.

Today, it involves:

1. Eating with more awareness, more reverence, more Gratitude.
2. Being very present when I cook.
3. Being very intentional in planning our meals -- I have been very successful with this one.  I told you about my vegetable mission a la Jessica Seinfeld.  Every Sunday, I spend 1-2 hours planning our meals -- I have been using a program called Plan to Eat and it is amazing!  I puree the veggies we need, make a week's worth of sweet potatoes/whole grain waffles for the freezer (simply pop them in the toaster to re-heat and my son LOVES them!), and basically figure out my life for the week.  Gone are the days when I get home at 530 (or 700!) and wonder what the heck I'm going to make for supper.  The result?  We have less food waste AND we spend less money.

Can you see how planning, cooking and eating would look very different if done in this way?

Can you use food as a means to love yourself more deeply instead of punish yourself more fervently?

Contraction

I have an addiction.

I am addicted to feeling good.  To having lots of energy.  To laughter.  To play.  To the feeling of a light and open heart.

When I feel like this, I feel as if I could do anything.  I feel like I am home.  I feel like I AM all that I can be, or at least well on my way there.

When I don't feel this way, I feel like something is wrong.  I feel like I am broken in some way.  And I resist it.  I fight it.  I struggle against it.

I once heard Marianne Williamson compare the experience of "waking up" to giving birth.

This comparison allowed for powerful imagery within me, allowing me to readily identify with it.  In my journey, I have often found myself heading forward, accelerating towards the light and all of the possibilities that might live there.  This is the part of the journey that I live for, it is what feels good to me.  This forward movement, this expansion, it is what feeds my addiction.

And yet we know that this is not how birthing happens.  No baby just slides its way out into the world in one effortless burst forward--and if it does happen this way, it is a rare occurrence!

Instead, what follows every forward burst, every expansion, is a period of contraction, where the baby actually moves back into the womb, retreating into the dark.

This contraction phase is everything that the expansion phase is not.  It is subtle.  It is quiet.  It is slow.   It represents the "yinside" of life, of the human experience.

According to the Tao, every single thing must fall into balance.  Every.  Single.  Thing.

This means that with every "expansion" that I experience, there MUST be a period of contraction.  Of low energy.  Of tranquility.  Of solitude.

And I am in this phase of contraction, with no where else to be but in it.

I want to stop craving the light, but I haven't.  Not yet anyway.  Wondering if I ever will.

For now, I am learning to be even gentler with myself.  Even softer.  I am looking for ways to honour this phase.  A quiet walk outside in the dark after dinner.  Allowing myself a deep stretch with a yin yoga practice.  Allowing my husband to step in and help out.

Grateful that this too, shall pass.

xoxo M.

50 Things I Love About Me

Ok.

I am uncomfortable with my last post.  Not uncomfortable enough to remove it, because as I have talked about here and here, discomfort is likely a good thing.

But then my own "inner coach" stepped in and started to explore/self-analyze this situation.  Oh great.

And what did my inner coach suggest?  She suggested that I actually follow through with the "50 things that I love about me" list.  Oh brother.

When I started to think about this exercise, I thought, "No problem.  I love me, this'll be easy."  But driving home from preschool this morning, I started to think that it might be harder than I thought.  So, here it is.  Bear with me, I might be grasping at a few straws along the way.

Photo Credit: Jody Goodwin

50 Things I Love About Me:

1. I already shared with you the "quick at getting ready thing", so it is first.  (Oh man, am I grasping already?)
2. My taste in clothes.  I love wearing colourful, if not a bit zany, clothing.  
3. My willingness to look inwards (most days, I am more than willing to do this, other than today, which is what brought me to making this list in the first place).
4. My ankles/feet.  They look great in beautiful shoes.
5. I am a great cook (most days).  
6. I have a pretty good sense of humour.
7. I love to talk (and mostly, I love that about me)
8. My ability to be honest, with myself and others (although as you know by now, this is an ever-unfolding and deepening journey)
9. My resolve.  When I really want to do something, I generally don't quit until I have sorted it out.
10. My smile.  Crooked teeth and all.
11. My eyes.  They are windows right into my soul, and they are usually shining with mischief and delight.
12. My relationship with words: both written and spoken.  I like that I can access a variety of ways to express myself.
13. My readiness to get excited about stuff.
14. My sensitivity to energy.
15. My ability to reflect.
16. My ability to be be Grateful.
17. My ability to Manifest.
18. My commitment to myself and my family.
19. My desire to be of Service.
20. My yoga practice and everything that it entails.
21. My ability to focus on something and get it done efficiently.
22. My punctuality.
23. My belief in myself and others.
24. My ability to listen to my intuition and my willingness to act on it.
25. My ability to see other people's gifts and unlimited potential.
26. My ability to reframe ideas.
27. My creativity.
28. My willingness to forgive.
29. My willingness to indulge in self-care.
30. My willingness to honor where I am at in all of this.
31. My cute little tummy.
32. My ability to fall asleep easily and peacefully.
33. My ability to ground myself and self-soothe.
34. My (usually!) positive outlook on life.
35. My willingness to be uncomfortable and stretch myself.
36. My willingness to try new things.
37. My inherent curiosity about people, places, things.
38. My respect for sentient beings.
39. My playful, inner child.
40. My ability to learn new ideas/concepts quite easily.
41. My ability to write multiple choice exams.
42. My willingness to be silly.
43. My sense of accountability.
44. My willingness to be vulnerable.
45. My physical health.
46. My tattoo.
47. My independence.
48. My typing speed (Ok, starting to grasp!)
49. My voice: ability to speak.
50. ALL of the skills that allow me to do what I love (coaching, yoga, writing).

That wasn't so difficult after all.

Interestingly, while I love these things about me, I know that they aren't who I am.  My true essence, who I AM, is what remains when all of these characteristics fall away.

It is an interesting thing to be human.  To know that you are spiritual being having a human experience.  To walk in both worlds, both human and Divine.

My last post was very human, and in no way does it mean that I have forgotten who I AM.  I haven't.  I am simply honouring my humanness, my imperfection, my present truth.

What do you love about you?  About your human manifestation?  Can you come up with 50 things?  Think it's easy?  Great, then I CHALLENGE YOU!!!

 xoxo M.

What is true today.

Sometimes I am so sick of myself.

Ironic, because I woke up with a desire to write down "Things that I Love about Me"...only to find that Louise Hay posted a similar idea on Facebook this morning.  Now, I am a supreme lover of all things involving synchronicity, but the truth is, today I am not feeling it.

This morning, as I started to make my list, the one thing that came forward was "I love how quickly I can get ready in the morning".  Seriously.  I have mad skills.  I can shower, dress, blow dry and style my hair, moisturize and do my makeup in 15 minutes.  I think that is even faster than Trent.  So yeah, I like that about me.

I can celebrate this small win today, but as for the rest of that list?  It will have to wait until another day.

This journey that I am on, this path that I have chosen, has involved a ton of self-reflection.  I have referred to it as a "journey inwards" and "the path to self-awareness".  Don't get me wrong, it has been an amazing ride, and a wonderful experience, but today?  Today I am so over it.

Today I find that I am tired of analyzing, reflecting, and observing.  I am tired of aspiring, thinking, and growing.

Frankly, I just want to stick my head in the sand for a while.  I simply want to BE.

And maybe I am not supposed to say these things...in fact, I have consciously avoided ever putting anything negative on this blog.  I have been avoiding the truth.  The truth is, sometimes I don't feel like doing "my work".  Sometimes I want to pretend that there isn't any "work" to be done.

And maybe that's ok.  I have had days (haha, ok, weeks) like this before.  Where I wanted to simply step off the road momentarily and take a break.  For some reason, I always seem to get back on, and I am sure that this "break" is no exception.

Now, after re-reading what I just wrote, I have to laugh, because it is actually "work-related".  What I wrote here is truth-based.  And today, I guess that I am willing to go there; to speak a truth that isn't all gushy and rose-colored.

So yeah.  That is what is happening today.

M.

Stretched!

Have you ever stretched yourself?

No, I am not talking about yoga (for once), or warming up your muscles before a workout... I am talking about the kind of stretching that is required for personal growth.

To be stretched means to do something outside of your comfort zone...something that you have maybe done before.  Really, if you think about it, the first time you do anything (as an adult), it is going to be uncomfortable, especially if it involves other people witnessing your first attempt.  This would be a great topic for a later blog post, but for now I am going to argue that this stretching, this discomfort, is important.  It is essential.  Because it is through this willingness to stretch ourselves, to test our limits, that we discover more of our true selves.  What we are actually capable of when we don't allow fear to stand in the way.

You see, in order to grow, change, transform, we need to stretch (or be stretched).

I only ask because this past weekend was a bit of a stretch for me.

A while back, in November I think, I was asked to speak at a fundraising event that was to be held in February at the local theatre - Horizon Stage.  Horizon Stage is a beautiful venue... I know this because I have been involved in many a production there as a drama student in both junior and senior high.

Poster for the event

To be honest, when I was asked, I didn't give it much thought.  Could I speak?  Sure.  Lord knows I love to talk (ummm...okay so maybe that is the understatement of the year).  And speaking is something that fits well with 'the plan'...you know, that list of (not-so-far-off) dreams.

I should tell you that I am so the person who agrees to stuff readily without considering it that much.  In other words, I love to say yes, leaving myself to figure out the details later.  I probably don't have to tell you that this has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion...

So, I said yes.  And I didn't give it much thought until January rolled around.  Oh January.  My soul thanks you.  Thank you for the lessons that you invariably seem to bring forward.  Thank you for the opportunity to see yet an even deeper level of what I am 'working on'.  I know that you are a gift.

But the voice in my head?  It is so very, very Grateful that you have gone away for another 11 months. And this part of me celebrated your passing.  February 1 was a day of celebration in my life.  Nope.  That is an understatement.  I actually frolicked.  Seriously.

Erm.  Anyway.  As I was saying, I spent part of January trying to figure out 'the details' of my speech.  What was my intention?  What did I really want people to know/take away?  Was I sure that I could even do this?  Was I going to freak out?  Was I going to screw up?  What if I completely sucked?  And on and on and on...anxiety building as the date crept ever closer.

Saturday, February 2nd.  The big night was here.

And it was perfect.  Not that I was perfect (haha, hardly!) but the experience was perfect.  My dry mouth, my heart pounding in my chest, my shallow breathing.  Even my note to myself: Breathe.  Go slow.  Remember who you are (FLOW!)  Smile.  Have fun.  All of these feelings of discomfort, of uncertainty, paved the way to the actual experience.  Spotlight on, staring into a black hole, speaking to a silent room filled with 150 people.

And you know what?  It was fun.  And now I know that I can do this.  And I know that I like to do this.  And I want to do it again.

So the stretch?  Uncomfortable?  You bet.

But it was so very, very worth it.

Thank you for the opportunity Jillian Rutledge and the Mishah Ocean Foundation.

M. xoxo

Truth. A light in the darkness.

I feel like starting this post with "reporting to you from the depths..."  Although it wouldn't be completely accurate.  It would be more accurate to say "reporting to you from the surface..." where I have been waiting... not-so-patiently treading water.  

And, I am getting tired.  

If you haven't figured it out, I am referring to my depression.  Actually, if you are wondering where I have been for the past month, I have been kind of waiting to be on the 'other side' so that I could have started this post with "reporting to you from the other side..."

I am not on the other side.

I am reticent to report to you from this place, and yet, I know that it is what needs doing.  As a yoga teacher, a friend, a daughter, a wife, and even more so; a coach, I have always felt like I needed to deny these dips.  To lay low until they passed.  I have felt like I wasn't "allowed" to feel this way.  

This post is an attempt to undo part (if not all) of that story.  

The truth is, they still happen.  Some last longer than others, and looking back, this one has been around since the beginning of December.  

Sure, I know my triggers.  The darkness of the winter months (I suppose that is called seasonal affective disorder), the bitter cold of the climate in which I live, lack of sleep (last night I had about 4 hours because my son is literally on ROUND 4 of this cold/flu season).  

I have come to know the signs/symptoms of these 'dips'... low energy, extreme irritability (esp. on mornings like this), fits of crying - largely spent on the floor of my closet.  

All of this is/has been true on this go around, and yet one thing is for certain, something has changed.  

Looking back on my life, I can see that I have been suffering with depression for most, if not all, of my adult life.  I would estimate that it actually started in junior high school, although I am not sure exactly.  I have been doing a bit of 'light reading' on the topic lately (even though I have a degree in psychology, I had largely forgotten all that I had learned more than a decade ago).  My actual diagnosis is that of 'Post-partum depression' although I know now that it is more likely to be 'Clinical depression' -- meaning a depression that is due to a biochemical imbalance in the brain and one that continually cycles, year after year.  There is no real 'cure' other than medication and I have been there, done that... hopefully never to return.

And so here I am, riding out yet another 'storm'.  

The funny part is, I now know that these periods, these lows, these dips, aren't even real.  They feel real in a very physical and emotional sense, but they aren't.  Somehow I have managed to separate the truth of my essence (the real me) from this experience.  

What does this mean? (This is the part where I can hear my perceived skepticism bouncing back at me)...

Well, let me describe it to you this way... I used to become these dips, this darkness.  I used to allow it to permeate every single thought, every moment, every cell of my being.  I think that on some level that I was addicted to it.  Addicted to its familiarity, taking some kind of deranged comfort as it enveloped me in its grasp, virtually smothering me.  

I can honestly say it isn't like that any more.  My experience has completely changed.  I am no longer debilitated nearly to the same degree by these dips as I used to be.  In the past two months, I have managed to go to work, feed my family, visit with friends, even LAUGH.  You know, live.  

Now, maybe you are thinking, this girl is delusional... she doesn't look/seem/act depressed AT ALL!  And if you think that, that makes me glad.  Not that I am trying to fool you, or myself.  I am simply trying to allow these dips to flow right through me.  I am trying to be present to them as they pass through my life.  I am trying to view them as 'flowers' being thrown at me rather than 'arrows' being fired (see this Buddhist reference here).  I am trying to receive the gifts that are inherent with any trying times.  

And, its working.

You see, I have a few things going for me now that I didn't have before:

1. I know when I am 'in it' and I no longer deny that I am (to myself anyway, and now apparently to you).

2. When I am in it, I access my resources... and I have many.  

• My husband: God BLESS this man
• My mom and dad: unbelievable in their unconditional love and support of me
• My friends: I am truly Grateful and Grace-filled in their loving presence
• My coach: remarkable, talented and steadfast
• And the odd indulgence... one of which is below.

One of my 'coping strategies' is to envision myself running away.  I think that it is truly representative of my searching outside of myself for what I know lies within (LIGHT), but on the truly dark days, I completely indulge this fantasy.  Yesterday was one of them and here is a light-hearted depiction of one of these fantasies:

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.  Dealing with what is...

"It is so basic in us to feel that things should go well for us, and that if we start to feel depressed, lonely or inadequate, there's been some kind of mistake or we've lost it.  In reality, when you feel depressed, lonely, betrayed, or any unwanted feelings, this is an important moment on the spiritual path.  This is when real transformation can take place."
~Pema Chodron

If you're still reading, thanks for listening.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

xoxo

From Busy to Bored

Happy New Year!

The holidays are officially over in my house - hubby went back to work today and Chephren went back to his dayhome.  I have been in a bit of a 'coasting' mode with just about everything for the past month -- my work, my housecleaning, my cooking, my yoga, my spiritual practice, my writing, EVERYTHING.

Boy am I glad that it is January.

I am fired up to be back into a routine and to 'begin again' on my process of co-creating and manifesting my heart's true desires.

I love to start a New Year.  As I alluded to in my last post on Solstice, I love anything that spells a new beginning: a new year, a new moon, a new season.  One of my favourite times of year when I was growing up was going back to school in the fall.  Sure, my excitement faded quickly as the 'boring' routine set in, but even then, I loved the feeling of possibility that often comes with starting something new.

For me, ringing in a New Year comes with many traditions and rituals.  One of these is to write in my Gratitude Journal for all of the experiences in the previous year that I am grateful for.  I also usually pull some oracle cards and write these ideas/messages down in my journal.  I connect with my family and ask them about their goals/wishes/intentions for our family in the New Year, and I make a list of said intentions/goals/wishes for both myself and my business.

Everything seemed to be 'business as usual' this year in terms of my ritual except for one thing...

One of the items on my 'to-do' list of intentions/manifestations was actually to do less.

You heard me.  I want to do more of 'nothing'.  I want to, essentially, cultivate some boredom in my life.

I realize that this might sound very strange as an intention, especially if you know me at all.  I am someone who thrives on busy (ok, that is an understatement).  I actually thrive on something that probably looks more busy hovering on the edge insanity.  For me, multitasking is something that comes as naturally as breathing.  Actually, often, if I am not doing at least two things at once, I feel like I am wasting time or lacking efficiency in some way.

What I am trying to convey is that I am soooo sucky at being bored.  And I am not talking about the kind of boredom where you get to sit and watch a movie, or play on your phone, or even read a book.  I am about just sitting there... being.

As a society, I think that we completely undervalue boredom.  Even that word sounds negative... I even hesitated to use this word because of its negative undertone, but talking about simply 'being' didn't seem to quite capture what I am keen on creating in my life.

I want to take some time, every day, even for 5 minutes and simply be.  No phone, no lists, no computer, no books, no movies, no laundry.  Nada.

I want to sink into the feeling of simply being.  I want to see what arises.  I am curious to see if and how this will affect other areas of my life.

So, that's it then.  17 intentions about improving, creating and manifesting ... 1 about simply being.

Oddly enough, I don't have to imagine which one will be the toughest for me to commit to...

What are you resolving to create in your life this year?

Much love to you all in 2013!

Maren

Yoga: Part of my path to healing

Yoga is one of the most beautiful things that I 'do'.  It has helped me to heal my mind, body and soul in so many more ways than I could have ever imagined.

I came to yoga 12 years ago, attracted to it purely for its apparent physical benefits.  An avid runner at the time, I was floating from injury to injury, training for race after race, and often finding myself laid up on race day.  I also played volleyball and worked out at the gym regularly.  And yet, I wasn't healthy.  Not really anyway.  Around that time, I weighed about 140 pounds, and I was extremely dissatisfied with the state of my body.

Me at 21

Looking back, this negative body image began when I was quite young, around the age of 12.  For some reason, I began to believe that my body should look different than it did.  I began to compare my body with those of the other girls around me, and eventually, I came to see myself as fat.  The odd thing is, that at the time, this couldn't have been further from the truth.  Looking back, I wasn't even remotely fat, and yet, that is what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

Me at 18

The more I believed this lie, the more deeply it became ingrained, and I found myself at war with food. The relationship between food and my body continued to de-volve, eventually leading to purging behaviour.  I knew that what I was doing was wrong, that it wasn't healthy, that it was destructive, and yet, I proceeded to do it anyway.  I was ashamed of this behaviour and therefore kept it hidden, and yet on some level it gave me such an extreme sense of satisfaction, a sense of control.

While I managed to leave the purging behaviour behind at the age of 20, the thoughts that caused it in the first place were still firmly in place.

It has taken me 20 years to heal these thoughts.

I won't go in to the drawn-out details of this journey here (if you want to know more, it is in my book which will be available sometime this spring), but what I will tell you is this:

In order to change the thoughts that I was having about my body and food, I had to admit them, first to myself and eventually to others.  It was only one year ago that I finally got at one of the 'darkest' thoughts that I was having about my body ('I am gross').  Since that time, I can tell you that this thought is gone.  It isn't true and it never was.  Yoga has played a huge role in healing that part of the story.

The interesting thing is (and this is the mind-body connection in action for you), when I healed my mind (aka changed the thought), my physical body responded in a way that it never had before.  Today, my body is the healthiest that it has even been... literally.  In fact, I had a check-up with my family doctor the other day b/c he wanted to be certain that everything was 'on track'.  My doctor has been with me every step of the way on this journey and he wanted to be sure that my weight loss over the past year was the result of new and healthy behaviours instead of old, unhealthy ones.  And fair enough.  I am glad that he is looking out for me.

The results speak for themselves.   Since the purging behaviours began I have struggled with anemia - at times so severe that I required subcutaneous injections of iron into my backside (this is not an enjoyable thing, trust me).  So, when my doctor found out that I now eat a mostly plant-based diet, he was understandably concerned and asked me to have some blood tests done.  I am delighted to be able to say that all is well.  In fact, my numbers are amazing.  What's more, my BMI (body mass index - in my opinion a great indicator of overall health), is the best that it's been since I was in high school.  To give you an overall idea - the healthy range for BMI is between 18.5-24.9.  For years (including when I was running and working out), my BMI was around 23-24, and even crept up past 25.  Now?  It is at 21.

Now, I know that yoga isn't everyone's cup of tea, and that's ok.  What is not ok is telling yourself destructive stories, thoughts ranging from overly critical all the way to down right cruel.

A lot of people enjoy a healthy mind-body connection.  They don't obsess about their figure, their weight, their reflection in the mirror... but the truth is, a lot of people do.

This post is an invitation.  An invitation to look past the reflection in the mirror (and if you enjoy your own reflection, then look past the reflection of the physical appearance of others).  Our physical appearance?  It isn't real.  It isn't real because it isn't permanent.  What's real is what lies beneath.  The truth of who we are.  We are not our bodies, and yet our bodies are an amazing tool that we can use to express our deeper selves.  They are vessels.  Conduits.  And they are worthy of gratitude, love and care.

Today, this is how yoga Serves me.  It allows me to express the 'me' that lies beneath.  The real me.  The shiny me.  Yoga has become an expression from my soul.

Me at 33 (present)

The above picture makes me laugh.  In August of 2011 I posted this entry, talking about how 'yoga is my skinny jeans'.  Funny thing is?  I am actually wearing my 'skinny' jeans in the above picture.  Ha!

Much love to you and many Blessings this Holiday Season!

Maren xo

PS: Stop by tomorrow for more yoga love... in honour of Winter Solstice 2012 and FIERCE Friday, I am going to be sharing another yoga video.

How Neutrality Saved My Marriage

In November of 2011, just over one year ago, my family and I were on a vacation in Maui.  We had planned to be there for a month, well, my mom, Chephren and I had anyway, and our husbands each joined in for 2-3 weeks.  In the months leading up to this trip, Trent and I had been struggling in our marriage, I mean REALLY struggling.  It seemed that each and every single conversation wound up leading to the 'D' word (that would be 'D' as in Divorce, not Disneyland).  It was a scary, scary few months and on more than one occasion I really thought that my marriage was truly over.

While in Maui, my mom and I had the good fortune to attend an event facilitated by Mirabai Devi - a healer and spiritual teacher.  Both my mom and I had a great experience and at the end of her session,  Mirabai invited individual questions to be put forth in a more private setting.  After I had tearfully expressed my gratitude for the profound shift that I had felt during her session, I confessed my fears about my marriage.  Her response was unexpectedly simple: 'When you are faced with conflict between you and your husband, go neutral and remember who you are.'

Huh?  I left in a bit of a daze, but her words stuck with me.  (How could they not, she left them inscribed in my book!) Over the next few days I became quite silent as I began to explore deep into the meaning of her message.

I am not sure if  I was able to truly grasp it then, but I knew on some level that her message was about trying to become an observer to my own emotions.  I needed to come into a place of non-reaction... or as she called it, neutrality.  I seemed to know even then that when an emotion arises within oneself, it cannot have come from anywhere else but from my own mind, my own experience, my own reality, and yet I constantly found myself projecting these emotions outward.  The story in my head sounded something like: 'My marriage would be so much happier if only Trent would...'

A few days after seeing Mirabai, my parents offered to watch Chephren so that Trent and I could go out on a date night (there are IMMENSE advantages to travelling with our child's Grandparents!)  We started off for the restaurant, electing to walk in the beautiful, warm ocean air.  Not five minutes into the walk, our conversation turned to conflict and there it was: a boiling, raging fury spilling into my belly and rising up into my throat.  Only this time, instead of allowing my words to erupt forth, I somehow managed to stop them.  I managed to get really present.  I observed what happening to me, in both my mind and my body.  And rather than spewing the venom that was desperate to come forward, I simply said: 'I am NOT reacting to this!'  Today I have to chuckle at these words, because I am very aware of the fact that my reaction was itself just that, a reaction, and in no way, shape, or form was it neutral.

But it was a start.  It was me saying, enough, I do not want to engage in these fights any longer.  I know that each and every time we enter into one of 'those' conversations there is an inevitable result... each of us will be cut down a little smaller, we will be a little more jaded, a little more hurt, a little more wounded, leaving us with an even bigger hole in our marriage.  In that moment, I chose to put down my weapon of choice; my words.

It took months for this new behaviour, this neutrality, to stick.  And to be honest, for the first few months, I will admit that I was almost entirely faking it.  I was, as they say adopting a 'fake it until you make it' attitude.  And it worked, eventually.

It worked because the truth is, those feelings that Trent's words awoke within me were MINE.  The reason that I reacted is because on some level, I believed them to be true.  This is what the journey inward is all about.  It is about accountability to YOURSELF.  It is about owning what is truly YOURS.  No one can make you feel a certain way, it is only you who allows them to do so.

And THAT is how neutrality saved my marriage... although having fun together and lots of lovin' helped too ;)

Much love to you on your journey, especially when you decide to journey inwards...

Maren xo


 

Makeover

Have you ever had a make-over?  A 'new do' for a 'new you'?

I have.  Yesterday in fact.

Yesterday, I walked into my favourite Salon and said 'let's do this'.  I got my hair cut.... short.  Probably 8-10 inches shorter.  I got my hair coloured... haven't done that in probably 5-6 years.  So yeah, I would consider that a make-over.

You might be wondering, why the new look?  Well, that is a good question.  You see, I am currently in the process of evaluating everything... not only my appearance, but my wardrobe, my office space, my business, my website, and yes, my blog.  You could say that I am in the process of 're-branding' myself, of 're-branding' my business.

I have talked a lot on this blog about change and about personal transformation.  And while a lot has shifted and changed on the inside, so far, it doesn't look a whole lot different on the outside.

The problem is, the gap is ever-widening.  The 'me' inside, the one who I have been transforming into and the one who I call the 'real me', is getting ready to shine, to show herself to the world.

I feel like a brilliant shining flower inside, encased in a protective, layered shell.  For a long time I felt like needed the protection (and I can see now that it served me well), but lately I have been working on removing that hard outer shell so that my light can shine through.

How about you?  Are you different on the outside then you feel on the inside?  What is stopping you from shining your inner light out into the world?  Oh, I know it's scary.  I've been there, heck, a lot of the time I am still there... but I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

If this resonates with you but you aren't sure where to start, remember this:

The REAL you is so much better than the person you think you should be...

It is my mantra for personal transformation!

With love,
Maren

PS: Here's a sneak peak of the new do:

Another walk down Storylane

Today's post over on StoryLane:

Oh man. One of the elements of Storylane that I like is the fact that people can ask you to write on a certain topic. Again, this particular topic is one that I likely wouldn't have chosen to write on. Why? It makes me feel vulnerable. Yuck. You know, that feeling when you sit down to write your answer down, step into the flow of writing and what comes forward makes you want to go back to your twitter account and hit 'refresh' forty more times instead? Because you know that if you answer it from your place of truth that when you hit 'send' you very well might actually throw up from the feelings of anxiety. At the very least, your hands will get all sweaty and your heart rate will increase. Fun stuff being vulnerable. Really fun.

Ah well, I am going for it.

The question is: 'How would your classmates remember you?"

When I go deep on this question, to that place where I feel vulnerable (yuck), what comes forward is 'filled with drama'. I grew up with two brothers who have quite severe and ongoing medical challenges. My parents spent a great deal of time travelling with the boys to access medical care. Not wanting to increase their stress at home, I generally tried to stay out of the way and 'keep the halo shiny', especially when I was younger. I felt invisible though, like I didn't matter, and in my school environment I wanted to be seen. Thus, throughout my education, I tried to be seen in various ways: when I was younger, it was all about getting good grades and being the teacher's pet. I was fairly successful in this role, at least for several years anyway. As I grew older, it became less about adult attention and more about peer attention. I started to break the rules more and more, and I began to seek out the attention of boys.

Looking back, I can see the 'why' of all of this behaviour, but for a long time I held on to the feelings of shame associated with my actions. I started drinking and smoking from an early age, I struggled with body image and an eating disorder, and my boy-seeking behaviour got me into trouble on more than one occasion.

The truth is, I don't know how my classmates saw me. I don't know if they saw through all of my ridiculous drama to the pain and shame underneath. I kind of doubt it.

I say this because as teenagers, we generally aren't very compassionate or empathetic. We have a hard time getting past all of the 'stuff' that lies on the surface. Heck, we have a hard time doing this as adults a lot of the time! It isn't necessarily an easy thing to do.

At the end of high school, I suffered a loss that shook me to my core, that began the process of me waking up to the truth of my actions and their consequences. Throughout my entire school career, I had a best friend. Someone who stood by me and all of my crazy drama. Someone who listened patiently as my world 'fell apart' for the 49th time. She was truly an amazing friend. But, by the end of high school, she had had enough. She saw her opportunity to leave the friendship and she took it. And she has never looked back.

To say that this felt like the 'straw that broke the camel's back' is a huge understatement. At the time, losing this friendship felt to me like losing everything.

Today I am grateful for having suffered this loss. It has helped to mould and shape me into the woman that I am today... and I love my life. I love the way that I feel in it. When I was in school I was so uncomfortable with myself, so at odds with my life and everything that happened within it. I was suffering, and worse, I was continually seeking outside of myself for the source of this suffering, someone to blame.

What I know now is that I caused a great deal of my own suffering.
What I know now is that everything is unfolding perfectly (and it always has).
What I know now is that I am worth loving.
What I know now is that I can let go of shame.

Life is amazing and I am grateful.

xo MareBare

What do you want?

Have you ever wondered just exactly how many blogs are out here/there (wherever it is that we are meeting up in cyber space). 

Me too.  And I checked.  As of the end of 2011 there were 181 million blogs out there!!!  (If you want to read more on blogging stats, check out this article).  Wow.  That is a lot.

With that being the case, I am honored that you stopped by.  And even more honored if you read this blog regularly when there are clearly millions upon millions of other choices out there. 

So why blog?

Well, I can't speak for the other 179,999,999 bloggers out there (seriously, that is a LOT!) but for me blogging is a great outlet, a great escape.

I have always been into journalling.  I have dozens of journals lying around my house, some dating back to when I was a pre-teen.  Throughout my life I have been jotting down my ideas, my feelings and my life's happenings on a semi-regular basis.

I am also a 'sharer'.  If you know me personally, you would probably laugh at what an understatement this is.  So yeah, I like to talk.

What I particularly like about writing, blogging in particular, is that it is like talking but with a built-in filter.  I get to express myself as I normally would and then re-read and edit.  I am able to get really clear about what it is that I want to say and consider how it will be received by the listener, or in this case, the reader.

Since I started this blog back in 2010, it has changed me.  I find myself 'thinking in blog', which can be really annoying, especially when it wakes me up at night.  In fact, sometimes I will get up in the middle of the night, walk over to my computer, type a whole bunch of 'blogspeak' down and then go back to bed.  This post, yes, this one that you are reading, started out as one of my 'mid-night' ramblings.

Over the next little while, I am going to try to make sense of these mid-night inspirations and see if I can pick up where some of those ramblings left off.

A lot of posts stay hidden up there in the trappings of my mind because my inner critic tells me that they aren't 'good enough' to share, not worth of 'taking up space' on the internet.

Maybe that's true.  Maybe not.  What I do know is that I want to be a writer.  I want to be seen as a writer.  I wrote a book and I am going to publish it... (still trying to figure out the path for the book, but it is coming together).

As a writer I know that I need to write more.  Practice my craft.  No more excuses.

This feels like it is turning into a bit of declaration to the Universe.  Not what I had planned, but heck, I am going with it.  So expect to hear more from me.  Often.  A big thank you to my inner critic for your well-intentioned Service, but your services will no longer be needed in this department, at least for now.

Now it's your turn, what do you really want?  What are you doing to go out and get it?  What's stopping you?

Go out and get yours!
MareBare xo

PS: I might be onto something.  Here is an Abraham quote (Esther and Jerry Hicks) that I 'stumbled upon' yesterday:

'The entire Universe is set up to produce wanting within you!  You cannot squelch wanting.  You are born wanters.  Wanting is a good thing.  Write that down in big letters: WANTING IS A VERY GOOD THING!'

How very relevant... :)

And She Finally Makes Her Point! - Part III

I have been talking... ok ranting, for the two posts about being uncomfortable and the fact that I needed to learn to get comfortable with this state of affairs.

So, why all of this talk about discomfort?  Well, in my experience discomfort tends to take me out of my centre.  In other words, it disturbs my peace.  I figured that if I could learn to 'get comfortable with discomfort' that I could avoid this disturbance and stay centred during the 'storms' that life throws at me.  That is my over-riding intention as of late.  To stay centred, peaceful, calm, in the face of, well, anything and everything.

Over the course of this series on discomfort, I have given you some examples of situations where physical discomfort has risen within me in recent times: being tired, being hungry, having low blood sugar, having sore feet, having a sore back, being cold... and I am sure that there are more but I have blocked them from my consciousness!  When you reflect back on your own life, I am guessing that you won't have to travel very far back in time to come up with your own examples, you might even be uncomfortable right now!  The fact is, physical discomfort is a reality of the human condition.  I would even say that it is inevitable, although using that word makes me uncomfortable (ha!).

An interesting observation that I have made within myself is how readily I seem to attach myself to my feelings of physical discomfort.  My reaction to discomfort has become so ingrained that I actually lose myself in the sensation of it.  I become it.

I become tired.  I become cold.  I become sore.  I become hungry.

In each of these situations, I allow the sensations that I am experiencing to permeate my being, my consciousness.

Notice that I used the word allow.  In other words, I am saying that I am making a choice.  This is important, because it means that rather than allowing, I also have the choice to not allow.

In the last post, I talked about the voice in my head and the inner knowing that lies in my heart.  When a situation arises that causes me to feel uncomfortable, here is an example of how it would typically play out in my head before I understood that it could actually look different.

Let's use being tired as an example.  As I shared earlier, for some reason, this physical sensation is one that really pushes my buttons!

Imagine this.  Let's say that I have a young child (if you have one, you likely already know where I am going with this!)  Imagine that this particular child is not a great sleeper.  In fact, this child loves to stay up as late as possible, wakes up often during the night, gets up early and quite often doesn't nap.  After a few less-sleep-than-usual days in a row, his parents are starting to get really tired.  Then the child has a really bad night because he is getting sick.  For the mom who really hates being tired, this is the last straw...

Ok, enough imagining.  That was me.  This type of scenario has happened to me before.  Several times.  Maybe even more than several.  And each and every time, until quite recently, this type of occurrence was enough to pull me out of my centre.  Actually, quite often it was enough to push me so far out of my centre that I would entertain feelings of despair.  I know what you're thinking.  Despair?  Because she's tired?  That doesn't make any sense!

And I would have to agree with you... now.  But when I was in it, my thoughts, the voice in my head, had taken the reigns and run away with the situation.  Rather than simply telling myself, 'Okay, you're tired, it's uncomfortable, it's no big deal, this too shall pass', I found myself saying, 'I can't get through the day, I am a terrible mom, my child will never sleep, Oh no, now he's sick, it is only going to get worse'.

Do you see where I am going with this?  Our thoughts create our reality.  If my thoughts were telling me that I couldn't do it, the fact is, I couldn't, or I did it but suffered greatly.  By simply waking up to the fact that I could change my thoughts and tell myself that all was well, the truth is, it was.

As of late, we have had a few sleepless nights with Chephren, one out in the backcountry when it was below freezing and he was getting sick with a cold (talk about an opportunity for the voice in my head to FREAK OUT), and then when we got home he spent a few hours of one night coughing so hard that he was repeatedly throwing up.

A beautiful (and cold!) morning in the backcountry

Now, I will admit the backcountry scenario did take me out of my centre a little bit, after all, we were a 6-hour kayak ride from the car and there was literally nothing I could do but wait until the morning and try to keep him warm, dry and comfortable.  I didn't sleep a wink.  But I got through it.  And I learned from it.  And I am grateful for having had the experience.

The night of throwing up?  Easy-peasy.  No dramas.  Didn't sleep much that night either, and I was feeling it the next day as I taught two yoga classes, but I managed to stay in my centre.  As I write this now, I can't help but smile to think about how far the voice is my head has come...

'By choosing your thoughts, and by selecting which emotional currents you will release and which you will reinforce, you determine the quality of your Light.  You determine the effects that you will have upon others, and the nature of the experiences of your life.'  ~ Gary Zukav from 'Seat of the Soul'

Shanti, Om.

MareBare

P.S.  I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but I think that I might have one more post about this topic in me.  Stay tuned for Part IV...

The Discomfort Continues: Part II

So yes, the backcountry trip.  With only a five-day turnaround planned between the Vancouver trip and the backpacking trip, I was already uncomfortable and I hadn't even packed!  I had committed to the trip on a last-minute whim when I heard that my good friend Darcie would be joining in on the last half of the 'Mega-hike' - a 9-day backpacking trip planned by my other good friends Mo and Jody (affectionately called MoJo).  First of all, let me just say that to refer to them as my 'good friends' is quite an understatement.  These girls are like my sisters.  Earlier this summer we even named ourselves 'The Four Directions'.  I just couldn't bare the thought of leaving them a direction short... lest they end up walking in circles!  Haha.  I jest, but seriously, it was an opportunity that I felt I couldn't turn down.

I had agreed to the backpacking trip prior to the Vancouver trip, thinking that it would be fine and that I would 'deal with it later'.  When 'later' arrived the voice in my head shook off some of it's new-found inner yin-like peace and gave me a stern talking to.  After all, didn't I have a responsibility to my young son and my husband?  Didn't I have work to do (I did just start a business after all)?  Didn't my mom, dad, and brothers need me?  Oh no!  I would be out of cell range!  What if something happened?  How would I know?  And ON and ON and ON.  Damn voice.  I wish that sometimes it would just leave me ALONE!

I am used to this voice.  We all have it.  Another way to describe it would be to call it the ego.  I would hazard a guess and say that some people's voices are quite a bit more loud and bossy than others.  Not only does the voice in my head possess both of these qualities, but it has a special knack for giving me a million reasons not to do what is really in my heart.  And what was in my heart was that darned backpacking trip with those three beautiful ladies!

My heart is getting smarter though.  It is learning how to manage that voice.  My heart sat that voice down, gave it a sucker, and told it that we didn't have to do anything for sure.  It told that voice that as a collective, mind, body and soul, we would continue to move in the direction of the trip.  Pack the bags, buy the food, plan for childcare etc.  BUT, it we got a single reason to call it quits, and it was VALID, from both the heart and the head standpoint, we would call it.  The voice seemed satisfied, after all, it had it's mouth full with the sucker.

Again, I am jesting here, but this is kind of exactly how it happened.  I didn't know if I was going to be going on the hike for sure until my boots were on, my pack was strapped to my back and I was walking up the trail, holding the space of the 'fourth'.

Of course, you know by now that I went.  I walked.  I talked.  I packed a big old bag for about 60 kms over 4 days.   And like most trips of this nature, it was wonderful and not-so-wonderful at the same time.  I haven't been on a similar trip since back in 2007... pre-CD (Before Chephren Dax :)  and I was pleased to find that all of my 'stuff' was still in working order.  Of course I did make a few 'rookie mistakes'.  Darcie and I hauled in my awesome single-walled four-season tent and I forgot how to set it up.  I also forgot most of the tent pegs (can you say, all but two?!), and one of our four poles was busted.  Don't worry, I redeemed myself by bringing in a huge lightweight tarp for us to use in case of rainy weather.  Oh, did I mention that I forgot to check if it had any guy-wires to set it up?  It didn't.  Oh well.  It made a good sitting cushion while we cooked under Mo's tarp.

If you have never done it before, backpacking can be quite physically uncomfortable, even if you have your gear sorted out and dialled in.  I mean, think about it, you are hauling around a 50+ pound backpack while you are trekking around in the mountains.  You are going to feel it.  And if you are a pro-star and you are claiming to not feel anything, than keep it to yourself.  My ego can't handle it.

Team MoJo hiked about 80 km before they got to us and they looked absolutely shattered from an exceptionally intense Day 5.  They elected to rest up at the hostel before heading back out onto the trail.  I would have ran for the hills after the day that they had, and I was secretly already plotting to move our party to someplace with hot springs, but those girls are Mountain CHAMPS.  Darcie and I were a bit in awe of team MoJo and decided that we were the Mountain Chimps hiking along with the true Champs.

Now that I am out of the backcountry, sitting in my kitchen, cozy in my warm house, I am reminiscing about what a wonderful trip it was.  This is quite odd, because in direct contrast to this thought, I can remember a few times walking on that trail, my back aching, my bad knee flaring, my hands freezing, and I can remember thinking, 'Oh my God.  When is this trip going to be over?  Why did I sign up for this?'  Ok.  Truth.  I am sparing you many of the more 'colorful' thoughts.

And yet, I would do it again.  In a heartbeat.

You know the expression, 'hindsight is 20/20?'  I say it's bollox!  My judgement has been completely clouded over by the wonderful people I was with, the two-hour lunch in the warm sunshine, bathing in the cool, fresh mountain streams, picking and eating fresh huckleberries, the amazing mountain scenery and all of the pictures in which I am wearing a HUGE grin!

Ah life.  So freaking awesome.

Get out there!  It might be uncomfortable, but often, it's SO WORTH IT!

So much love,

MareBare

Getting comfortable with discomfort - Part I

I am back after another brief blogging hiatus.  I have been travelling quite a bit over the past few weeks, my first trip taking me to Vancouver to partake in a 50 hour Yin Yoga workshop with Bernie Clark.  This workshop was transformational.  I know, I know, more about transformation, but as someone who had previously engaged almost exclusively in the world of the more yang-styles of the practice, this workshop absolutely blew my mind!

One of the original 'Yinsters' and a MASTER teacher: Bernie Clark

The theme of the week for me was 'getting comfortable with discomfort'.  Yin yoga is a style of yoga where you perform a relatively few number of postures and hold each of them for a long time.  It is done mostly on the floor and a lot of props are often used to help you stay supported in the pose.  The main idea is to get the muscles to fully relax so that you can exercise the joints and connective tissues of the body.  What does it feel like?  Well, it feels like whatever part of the body you are targeting is in traction!  And if you have never had traction, well, it is kind of like having braces.  If you haven't had either, well you must be perfect and not need yin yoga.  No, I am just kidding.  Yin yoga is for everyone, and for those of you who have never experienced anything like it, the sensation that you are trying to create is a bit of a dull, achy sensation.  In other words, its a bit uncomfortable.

But this is only the physical side of the practice.  This style of yoga also has energetic benefits.  It works to unblock the energy meridians of the body -- the same ones that acupuncture and acupressure work on.  One of the catch phrases in Yin is that we all have 'issues in the tissues'.  This is alluding to the fact that we store emotions in our body as energy and when we unblock these meridians, these emotions come bubbling up again.  This is creates a wonderful opportunity to release this stored energy, which is very good for us, however, it can be quite uncomfortable.

What is more, Yin yoga also has many benefits for the mind.  Given how still you are for most of the practice, it is quite meditative in nature.  Again, this practice is quite rigorous in that it is asking you to quiet the mind amidst the relative chaos that is happening in the body - more about getting comfortable with the discomfort.

Not surprisingly, my need to get in touch with my 'Yin-side' (haha, no pun intended, but it is funny, get it?  In-side?) spilled out into the rest of my trip.  I felt like I was being tested - as if the Universe was saying, 'so you want to be more Yin do you...'  For starters, we had to get up each day at 5:30 in order to get to the sessions on time.  I am not a morning person and I typically to do not enjoy getting up so early.  Okay, that is a HUGE understatement.  Being tired is one sensation that I loathe and waking up after so few hours of sleep (I was staying with two friends and we tended to stay up LATE) would normally send me into a state of complete and utter panic.  This has been the case since I was a young child, and my family learned to steer clear of me in the morning lest they say the wrong thing or look at me the wrong way.  For me, being tired, especially first thing in the morning when my blood sugar is so low, is very uncomfortable.

I would be lying if I said that I woke up each day with a huge grin on my face, but I did manage to keep myself calm, cool, and collected.  My only incidents were on the first day where I nearly threw up as I was signing in at the studio (darn low blood sugar), and nearly knocking myself out as I left the house one morning, but otherwise, I simply took deep breaths into my low belly and rode out the discomfort I was experiencing.  I was surprised at how quickly the discomfort surrendered into ease.

More tests arose throughout the week, needing to sit on the floor for long periods of time, doing a lot of walking in shoes that had no business doing so, sharing a small space with two lovely gals and not getting on each others nerves and more.  In the end, I have to say that it was all much, much easier than I thought it would be.  I had a lot of fears going into the week, many of which turned out to be unfounded.  As I said at the beginning of this post, overall it was a great experience.  I learned a TON of information that I will be integrating in both my classes at the studio and my retreats in Nordegg.

Myself and my two beautiful travelling companions and roommates: Krista and Melanie

As Bernie would say, 'Yin is IN'... and I would have to agree!

Much love,
MareBare xoxo

P.S. If you want to know more about where I took this course: click here:
Semperviva Studios in Vancouver, BC

P.P.S Stay tuned for Part II of this post (coming soon) -- I took my new Yin-self into the backcountry with three beautiful gals!

Evolution

I looked down at myself today, not at my body, but at my 'me-ness'.  I took a long hard look at what it is that makes me who I am.

I am changed.  Life has changed me.  I am no longer the me who I used to be.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that in fact I am more of me than ever before.  More whole.

I had a chat with a friend today about control.  Needing to control life and the events that come our way.  I hate to break it to you, but control is a complete illusion.  An idea that we have manifested in order to bury our fear.  Our fear of being out of control.  Our fear of being afloat on a sea of chaos.

A lot of the changes that I have made in my life, both unconsciously and consciously, have been to let go of these fears.  To release the illusion that I am in control.  To allow it to be what it needs to be.

It is difficult to put into words how profound of an impact this process has had on my life.  I have been chipping away at this fear-based belief system from which I used to see the world.  Somehow, somewhere along the way, all of these small changes converged, resulting in a big change.  An irreversible change.  Transcendence.  I am no longer the me that I used to be.

How do I know this?  By being brave enough to peer into the mirrors of those around me.  Everyone that you surround yourself with is a reflection of who you are.  When I look around with me honestly and with Integrity, and with an open heart, I can't help myself from grinning like a fool when I think back to how far I have come.

And I love it.  All of it.  This journey through life is truly and utterly amazing.  It is so filled with GRACE.  And there are always more changes ahead, more lessons to learn.  This is what it means to evolve.

Bring it.

Much love from my open heart to yours,

MareBare

The Importance of What ISN'T

Lately, I have taken a bit of an interest in Taoism.  I am not sure exactly how or why this has crept into my consciousness, but it has, so I guess that I will just go with it.

One of the ideas in the Tao Te Ching that really got me thinking is the idea of what is NOT.  In my existence on this planet, thus far anyway, I have focused a lot of my attention, maybe even all of my attention on what IS.  In other words, the tangible, physical objects that make up my day to day reality.

Lao Tzu talks about the clay making up the pot and the materials that make up the house as examples of these physical realities... and I think that we can agree, that these things (in other words, what IS), are important.  But have you ever considered the importance of what IS NOT?  For instance, the space created by the materials that make up the pot -- isn't that space actually what makes it useful and gives it its essence?  Don't we actually live in the space created by the materials that make up our home?  And yet, these spaces are what ISN'T.

If it helps, think about it in terms of yin and yang.  You really can't have one without the other -- you need both to make up the whole.

How many other 'IS NOT's' can you think of?  Probably many... after all, there are essentially an infinite amount of them.  One that I would like to draw your attention to though is the 'IS NOT' of you.  Your body well, that is the 'IS'.  What then, would be the 'IS NOT' of you... that which we could call your essence?

What?  Are you waiting for an answer?  I don't have one for you - but if you sit with it for a bit, you might be able to come up with one on your own.

We pay a lot of attention to what IS in our lives... especially our bodies and our material belongings.  And I am not saying that this isn't valid - of course it is!  However, I am suggesting that what we have been focusing so much of our time/energy on is only HALF of the equation.

Can you expand your thinking to include the other half?

My brain hurts just thinking about this, but hey, that means that I am expanding right?

Marebare xoxo

For your reference, the part of the Tao Te Ching that I am referring to here is Chapter 11:


The Uses of Not


Thirty spokes
meet in the hub.
Where the wheel isn't
is where it's useful.


Hollowed out,
clay makes a pot.
Where the pot's not
is where it's useful.


Cut doors and windows
to make a room.
Where the room isn't
there's room for you.


So the profit in what is
is in the use of what isn't.


(From Lao Tzu: Tao Te Ching ~ An English Version by Ursula K. LeGuin)

On Grief and Loss

So, my grandmother (my stepdad’s mom) passed away on Monday.  It was the best case scenario really.  We had over a week’s notice (she began refusing treatment for a life-threatening and worsening condition) and therefore I got to say goodbye to her while she still knew who I was and we both knew that it was our last goodbye.  She was 85 and lived a full, if not difficult at times, life.  She has 7 living children (and 1 who has predeceased her), most of whom who are married, 15 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren. 

Given all of this, when I got the call on Monday morning I felt, well, prepared.  I felt at peace.  Imagine my surprise then, when I got on the phone with a friend on Thursday morning and started crying!  ‘This doesn’t make any sense!’ I kept repeating to my friend.  She laughed and said -- ‘you know Maren, our emotions and our thoughts aren’t made up of the same fabric.  In other words, you can’t reason away an emotion’.  Isn’t that so damn true?  

Even though my belief system is such that, ‘everything is perfect’ and that there really is no death, only transition to another form (or lack of form), I still feel grief, sadness, loss.  But there is a sense of grief with all major transitions isn’t there?  A new job, a new city, or a new house are examples that come to mind.  These types of life transitions can bring us a mixture of emotions - from excitement and hope to longing and sadness.  What is it that creates that sense of sadness, where does it come from?  

Perhaps the sense of loss we feel is from the space that is created by that transition.  What I am trying to say is what is gone is gone.  It’s over.  And what is to come hasn’t been created yet.  You haven’t started filling up that space yet.  So it’s empty... and isn’t that what grief is?  A feeling of emptiness?  Sometimes it takes a looooong time to fill up that space, such as when you lose a child, or a parent, or a close friend.  But eventually, that space will be filled, and you will feel whole again.  I am absolutely not saying that you will forget your loved one, because you won’t, not EVER.  But you won’t always feel the hole that was left by their departure.  I like to think that instead of a hole in your soul - you are left with an imprint.

Not surprisingly, this post has Divine Perfect Timing, as we are approaching the one-year anniversary of our dear friend Brent’s passing.  Now there is an imprint on my soul that I am forever grateful to have!  Gone but never forgotten my friend!

This is a bit of a heavier topic than I normally write about, but it is an important one.  Because grief and loss are inescapable.  They are part of the Human Experience... experiences that we were MEANT to have.  So when faced with any kind of loss, remember to be kind to yourself, honour your emotions and know that they don’t have to make sense!  And know, always, that ‘this too shall pass’...

   

RIP Marie Rose McConnell
March 13, 1927 - April 23, 2012

With love,

Marebare xoxo