The Cat's Out of the Bag

What the heck is that anyway - 'The cat's out of the bag'... who the heck came up with that?  We all know what it means (to tell someone something private or secretive), and I looked it up just to make sure (I am SO predictable like that), but why we call it that remains a mystery (to me anyway). 

Do you get the feeling that I am trying to talk about something personal but not sure how to go about it?  Woah, you are perceptive.  Nice work.

Sooooo.... here it goes.  Deep breath (literally, I just took one).  Still trying to spit it out here...

Okay.  So, are you sure you want to hear this?  Because if not, there is this hilarious video on you tube that you could watch instead...

Still here?  Okay... I guess if you are still reading this, you've earned a quick look at the cat (the one sticking out of the bag, remember?)

I suffer from depression.  There.  I said it.  Since most of my audience out there consists of my family and friends, this isn't news to you (and you are probably slightly angry at me for putting you through all of the above antics for that little gem that you can file under information-you-already-knew!).  For those of you who don't know me (or don't know me well enough to know this about me) you are probably wondering why the heck is this person sharing this with me... on the INTERNET of all places!?? 

The truth is because like this blog (and everything in it), 'my' depression (I am not sure why we call it that, but we do) is a part of me, and until yesterday (literally) I had not fully accepted this. 

Here is my story in five hunderd words or less:

Looking back, I have been suffering from episodes of mild-moderate depression for the past 17 years, although I didn’t know it at the time. Everything came to a head when I became pregnant with Chephren – that’s right, my depression started during my pregnancy and continued raging on right into the post-partum period. By the time our son was 8 months old I was a complete wreck… I could barely look after myself let alone a baby. More than that, I was scared. I felt trapped and all I could see were two choices: run away or get help. Sooo… I got help, and yes, that help (mostly) came in the form of medication. I can’t tell you how resentful I was about putting that stuff into my body. But, you know what they say about desperate times…


Anyway, this story has a happy ending. After a few months on the medication I was able to function again and no longer felt the need to run away and abandon my family, however I cannot say that I ‘returned to normal’. While the medication helped me manage the ‘doom and gloom’ it also kept me from feeling ‘warm and fuzzy’… about anything. As a gal who formerly loved to laugh, dance, and generally play the days away, this situation would simply not do.

So, off the medication I went (back in February of this year). This choice is one that I do not regret but it doesn’t come without its risks either. You see as someone who has suffered with this illness for more than half of my life, I am told that I will likely be dealing with it forever. Fun hey? What this means is that I now need to ‘manage’ the depression and avoid triggers that could lead me into another depressive episode.

Every now and then I dabble in the world of DENIAL, and had been doing so since the end of my last depressive episode in June. It looks something like this: ‘Oh I am so glad that my depression is gone, what a terrible and silly way to live my life…blah, blah, blah’. And then BAM you have a bad day with some dark thoughts and you can literally see the downward spiral into despair.

Yesterday was such a day. Now, I know what you’re thinking, it’s just a bad day, we all have them and you are right we do. And today? Today was much, much better, which means that the potential ‘crash’ was averted. But it also makes me realize how vulnerable I am to that state of being, and how desperately I don’t want to go there again. Which brings me (finally) to the reason that I am sharing all of this: to create awareness… awareness for myself, and maybe for others who might be going through something similar.  I am hoping that through awareness I can create positive change...

And then there's this guy:

Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.



- Mohandas K. Gandhi

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming…

 
Have a lovely day!
 
Marebare

Update on the last post: An epiphany

After I posted my last blog entry on facebook, some brief conversation followed with some friends who know me well which lead me to have an epiphany.  It isn't the cooking (or even the baking) that stresses me out about entertaining at my house, it's the CLEANING!!!!  In fact, I had written the following entry a few months ago and it was just sitting (unfinished) in my 'drafts' folder waiting for just such an occassion to be published.  I believe the original title was 'Making Peace with Futility'.

I have experienced encouters with futility thoughout my life: any/all attempts to increase my vertical jump (my 2-year-old can already jump higher than me), whittle my midsection to flatness (I am currently and incessantly rocking a diva/goddess/buddha paunch), and for the past two, almost three years, cleaning my house.


The dictionary defines futility as:


1. The quality of having no useful result; uselessness.
2. Lack of importance or purpose; frivolousness.
3. A futile act.
 
I wouldn't call any of my above three encounters frivolous (except for maybe the vertical jump), so, I guess we can render them 'useless', or as I like to think of them: POINTLESS!
 
Nap times are dwidling in my house as Chephren approaches three -- making the days when he actually does nap sacred.  I mean, this is literally the ONLY time that I get for me nowadays and I try to spend it as selfishly as possible: naps, reading, yoga, meditation... ahhh... just that string of words brings me a feeling of bliss. 
 
This past Tuesday just happened to be one of those sacred days... and I took full advantage by scrubbing my floors and toilets...

PSYCH!  (Remember when people used to say that back in the 90's?  I loved it, and I am bringing it back... just sayin'!)

Anyway, why oh why would I spend my precious 'me' time cleaning my house, only to have 'Captain Destructo' wake up from his nap and literally undo my efforts in 5 minutes flat?  Nope.  Not happening.  I would rather have a dirty house.  There I said it.  My house is mildly dirty and often messy.  If you would like to come over for dinner, I would love to cook for you, but you can for sure expect a messy house and week-old cookies for dessert (at best). 

And here, for the record, is what Chephren was up to while I was having my epiphany and writing about it on here:

I rest my case.

Marebare

The pendulum swings...

People change.  They do.  They DO!  If it seems like I am defending my position on this one it is because I am fully expecting someone to come on here and be all, 'People don't change!', or, 'Once a (blank) always a (blank)'.  Well, I disagree.

As an aside, I was just about to give you the old 'The cells in the human body replace themselves every seven years' line.  Then, I thought maybe I should actually look this 'fact' up before putting my hand on my hip and waving my finger in the air.  Ha!  It turns out that this is a hotly debated topic on the internets (try it, you'll see) and about an hour later I emerged from that wormhole, my brain a hot, hot mess and needing some leftover chocolate cake to help me re-focus.

Ahhhh, chocolate cake.  The whole reason for this post.

I will leave the '7 years' theory alone for now and gently return to my suggestion (and now humble opinion) that people change (a little bit anyway, can we agree on that at least?)

Case in point (finally!):

About 10 years ago, when I moved into my first 'big girl' apartment (condo actually), it was my very favorite thing in the world to have people over for dinner.  Like a lot of people (sometimes up to 20!), in a 900 sq. foot apartment... I would spend the week before planning (many of the dinners had themes), preparing, shopping, and fighting with Trent.  Then I would spend the ENTIRE day cleaning the condo and slaving away in my tiny, tiny kitchen (while Trent hid from me and/or pretended to be busy with something else).  I must admit that on many occasions, I outdid myself.  So much so in fact, that I think that I wrecked it.  I now live in a humongous house (not to brag or anything, but it really is humongous - much, much too big for three people) with the biggest kitchen that you have ever seen.  The counter space!  The cupboard space!  It is a wanna-be-chef's dream!  And, for the most part, I could absolutely care less about entertaining here. 

It's not that I don't like my friends anymore (I do!  I love you guys, I promise!).  It's just that I think I burnt myself out on the whole dinner party thing.  See?  I changed!  Something that I used to be passionate about now makes me want to crawl into my bed and hide under the covers.  It is just so much WORK and EFFORT!  I would so much rather do something outside with my friends, or go out for a meal... or better yet come over to your house for dinner!  (What? I am being honest here)

Anyway, I am way off topic (and I apparently needed to get that off my chest), but we did have friends over for dinner on Saturday.  And yes, I cooked a meal.  It was... average.  Nothing fancy to be sure.  But it was edible, and even followed up by another thing about dinner parties that I hate - dessert.  I don't eat the stuff (well, rarely anyway), but it seems that there is an expectation that people serve/eat that stuff at dinner parties.  Soooo, I mentioned to Trent that I was going to bake a cake.  Here's how that one played out:

M: 'What should I make for dessert?'
T: 'Nothing, we don't eat dessert.  Don't we have some week old cookies or something?'
M: 'Um, I am not serving those... what about if I make a cake.  I would totally eat a chocalate cake with whipped cream and canned cherries.' (Don't ask me what that was all about, I must've been on my period)
T: 'You are the worst baker in the world.  I would strongly suggest that you DO NOT bake a cake.  Just buy a cake mix.'
M: 'Cake mixes are gross, and full of chemicals.'
T: 'Trust me, a cake mix would be way better than anything you would bake.'
M: Silence as I perused my various cookbooks... and then, 'You are totally right.  I hate that about you.'

So there you have it folks.  From a year of 'Marebare Necessities' making everything from scratch right down to my own SHAMPOO all the way to Duncan Hines.

Um, who says people don't change?

Marebare

It's Friday! Thought for the day...

Funny, before I had a child I never realized that Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and The Alphabet Song (is that the real title?  Does it even have a title?) both had the same tune...

This doesn't sound like it would be problem, BUT IT IS!  In fact I just heard from the other room:

"ABCDEFGHIJKL (bear with me here...) MNOPQRSTUVWXYZ... Now I wonder what you are...."

Who ever thought that one up was either too lazy to think of their own tune or totally trying to screw with the little people.  Slow clap anonymous song writer, slow clap.

We do it to ourselves...

Welcome to Adulthood!  You will now be faced with a series of extremely difficult and life-altering choices that look something like this:

• Go to college - don't go to college
• Get married - don't get married
• Have kids - don't have kids
• Have one kid - have more kids
• Stay at home with the kid(s) - go back to work

Each decision with its own set of pros and cons, benefits and costs and frankly mind-blowing ramifications.  And yet, everyone usually has a strong opinion about each of these very personal choices (the key word here is personal... in case the italics didn't cover it) -- we call that judgement folks, otherwise known as 'should-ing'. 

So when faced with these decisions, they actually look something like this:

• Go to college - don't go to college (but for heaven's sake MAKE A DECISION and god forbid you should ever change your mind!)
• Get married - don't get married (AKA, you'd better get married lest you be livin' in SIN, Oh, and if you don't have a partner - WHY NOT?  WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?)
• Have kids - don't have kids (In other words, you'd better be having them, and if you can't, WHY CAN'T YOU??? So there you are, left with the equally challenging option of fertility treatments - no fertility treatments or adopt - don't adopt)
• Have one kid - have more kids (Well finally, you had one and WHAT?  You're even considering stopping there?  WHAT THE HELL?)
• Stay at home with the kid(s) - go back to work (Well, aren't you lucky if this decision is even part of your reality you spoiled BRAT!)

Seem a little harsh?  Maybe, but in the past 14 years, I can honestly say that I have fielded questions in each of these categories and been met with similar responses - either real or perceived.  Yes, you read that correctly, I said real or perceived.  What I am trying to say is that yes, you will be judged by many others for any/all decisions that you make in life.  However, if you can forgive/accept yourself for making those choices (or avoiding them all together) then there won't be a problem.  In other words, be kind to yourself and the rest will follow...

Sounds simple enough, right?  It really is.  So ALLOW, and let go of JUDGEMENT (especially of yourself, but of others too).  And for pete's sake, quit 'should-ing' all over yourself!

Wishing you light and love as you make each of the 'tough' decisions...

Marebare

Yet another recycling saga

You may recall that last year during my 'No Impact Week Challenge' I found out that soft plastics were a 'no-go' in terms of recycling... pretty much anywhere in this fine Province.  So you can just imagine my delight when I arrived at my recyling depot last week and found a sign stating that they are now accepting plastic bags.  Those of you who follow me on facebook might have seen my post about this miraculous day.  If you missed it, it read:

Best. Day. Ever. ... Okay, maybe not ever, but a great day nonetheless. My recycling depot is now accepting plastic bags!!! I have been saving any/all of those things for just the occasion. About 6 years. Yes, literally. It's the small things really...

You might be thinking to yourself, wow, is this chick ever DRAMATIC!  And, you would be right... remember, this is the same lady who uses CAPSlock for EVERYTHING and ellipses and exclamation points and... well, you get the point.  Anyway, needless to say, I was pretty stoked about the recycling development in my community.

For some reason, call it a whim, or call it intuition that somethings really ARE too good to be true, I decided to call the town prior to dropping of my latest recycling bags.  I think you know where I am going with this...  THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!!!  And actually, they were pretty indignant that I would suggest such a thing.  Soooooo, I proceeded to take all of the newly added bags out of my recycling pile (*sigh), and headed down to the recycling station with my iPhone handy... you know, just in case I was ACTUALLY RIGHT.  Which, ahem, I was:

Soooo, of course, I phoned the town again (they were a little less indignant this time), and believe it or not, I kept my cool.  Here was the forwarded e-mail reply from their service provider...

Yes, this bin is just being used as a switch while the regular bin's door
is repaired... this bin is from another area that accepts these materials
(even though no markets exist for most non-stamped film plastic (most
plastic bags fall under this category) and therefore much of this material
ends up being land-filled anyways -- which is why we don't accept it in our
program).

The proper bin will be placed back into service by the week after next at
latest.
Soooo, I guess this means I am back to storing 6 years worth of plastic bags (about a garbage bag full)... anyone have any brilliant ideas what I could/should do with them?

Marebare

These are a few of my favorite things... FALL edition

I love all of the seasons... I do, honest!  I know, I know, winter is way too long, spring is way too messy/dirty, fall is much too short and summer... what summer?  I have heard them all.  Listen here Canadians (and many Northern-dwelling Americans and anyone else who is fortunate enough to have FOUR seasons), we have it good.  I know, I know, the weather in Hawaii is fantastic every day of the year, however we couldn't very well all live on those tiny islands now could we?  So, let's embrace change and the cyclical nature of our existance... for each new season comes in bearing a whole host of gifts. 

Fall... ah fall.  Where I live, it is already here.  It arrived literally overnight as we closed the chapter of summer with one final week of above-average temperatures.  There are definite signs when fall is here, from the obvious visual resplendence of the leaves to the less obvious 'feel' in the air.  Autumn air is heavy with the smells of harvest and carries an unmistakable bite of chilliness... foreshadowing for the winter winds to come.  The air is also filled with the cacophony of geese, ducks and other birds who are 'getting the heck out of dodge'! 

The 'feast for the senses' described above is one of the reasons why I think Autumn is wonderful.  Here are some of my other favorite things about FALL:

• Having fires in the woodstove once again
• Sipping tea and curling up on the couch (preferably in the sun) reading a great book (I just finished a life-changing book: Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping)
• Playing in the leaves (even more fun now with Chephren)

• Jumping hay bails (What?  I didn't play enough as a kid and I am making up for it now)
• Harvesting my garden (wellll... I don't love the actual harvesting part, but I LOVE the food!)

• Firing up my crockpot and diving once again into soups, stews and other warm 'comfort' foods.

What do you love about Fall? 

Marebare