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Saturday, February 25, 2012

Trying to get back to where it all began...

A bit of personal history is necessary before I get where I am going with this post.  So, in a nutshell, here is my life (with Trent) for the past 13 years, in point form to save you from as many boring details as possible:
  • Trent and I started dating 13 years ago, while on a backpacking trip to Europe (it was a 'scandalous' beginning but I won't go into details here because they are NOT RELEVANT)
  • We moved in together as soon as we got home and spent the next 5 years living in various apartments/condos/basement suites while we muddled around in the University system -- attempting to get our degrees (which we both did finally -- with only a tiny bit of resentment towards the University system, okay, maybe society in general)
  • When we were both done, we did a van trip across the US and Canada -- we drove 15,000 miles in a '71 Volkswagon van -- picking up a kitten along the way and staying with many of the people we met in Europe
  • Then we got 'real jobs' -- that lasted all of 1 year, enough time for us to get engaged, plan a wedding in Costa Rica and travel in Central America for 3 months

  • From there we had plans to live in our van for the summer -- somewhere in the Rockies and then move to Asia to teach English...
  • Enter Darcie Duffin and the Centre for Outdoor Education in Nordegg -- this is where we ended up living/volunteering for the summer/fall of 2004 and the year of 2005.  We absolutely fell in love with the community, the town and the lifestyle, but we were still 'restless', so...

  • In the fall of 2005 we headed to South East Asia for 3 months.

This is where the story gets crazy...
  • In January 2006 we decided that we needed to 'grow up' and 'get ready to be responsible enough' to start a family.
  • We moved back to the family farm (which we just moved off of -- yeah, that's the one) and Trent got a 'real job' while I went back to school.

  • Two more years of University for me (and two more degrees) and by the end of all of that?  Pregnant in 2008 with Chephren. 
  • The 'plan' was in motion -- I could work part-time from home, Trent could work his 'real' job, my parents lived next door so we had lots of help... we had it made, right?
Honestly, (and here is where I sense the hate mail coming)... No.  Yes, I said No.  Meaning, no, we did not feel as though we had it made.  In fact, despite our immediate and deep love for our son, we couldn't help but feel... lost.  Sad.  Trapped.  Miserable.  Not all of the time, but way too much of it.

What happened? 

Well, for the past three years we have been pondering exactly that.  Recently, we have been getting closer to figuring it out, and in fact, a good friend of mine fully called me out yesterday.  The truth is we 'over-sacrificed'.  We changed our entire lives in order to start a family.  Why?  I am not sure exactly, but I would say that it is because we had a limited belief system about parenting and what it was all about.  This could be for a whole bunch of reasons, most of which are irrelevant, because all we have is NOW.  And right NOW, we are starting to see the error of our ways.  We are gradually coming back to who we were as people before we became parents, who we were as a couple.  As my friend so wisely pointed out to me yesterday, if you are happy as people and as a couple than Chephren is going to be just FINE.  More than fine.  He is going to be great.  The greatest gift we could give Chephren is to be AUTHENTIC.  We are starting to get that. 

From one extreme to the other and now, working our way back towards the middle.  Without judgement of ourselves, without criticism.  Enjoying where we are and where we may or may not be going.  Bliss.

I hope that you are living your authentic life and becoming more of who you truly are each and every moment of every day.  It is worth the slight discomfort :)

Marebare xoxo

2 comments:

  1. love it!! and you needed to experience it all to come back to the middle. You are truly inspiring friend!!

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  2. Well, I can't speak to the raising kids part, but I think that trying to be someone you're not, or to live some sort of life just because you think you're "supposed to" is folly no matter how you slice it. I guess I just think that if you give up living the life you want for another person... even if that person is a child who you love more than anything, you're gonna end up feeling resentful. And no matter how hard you try to cover up your resentfulness, it will always come through in the long run. I also don't think that a "conventional life" is necessarily something to be aspired to. Being real is always the most important thing.

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