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Thursday, November 22, 2012


Have you ever had a make-over?  A 'new do' for a 'new you'?

I have.  Yesterday in fact.

Yesterday, I walked into my favourite Salon and said 'let's do this'.  I got my hair cut.... short.  Probably 8-10 inches shorter.  I got my hair coloured... haven't done that in probably 5-6 years.  So yeah, I would consider that a make-over.

You might be wondering, why the new look?  Well, that is a good question.  You see, I am currently in the process of evaluating everything... not only my appearance, but my wardrobe, my office space, my business, my website, and yes, my blog.  You could say that I am in the process of 're-branding' myself, of 're-branding' my business.

I have talked a lot on this blog about change and about personal transformation.  And while a lot has shifted and changed on the inside, so far, it doesn't look a whole lot different on the outside.

The problem is, the gap is ever-widening.  The 'me' inside, the one who I have been transforming into and the one who I call the 'real me', is getting ready to shine, to show herself to the world.

I feel like a brilliant shining flower inside, encased in a protective, layered shell.  For a long time I felt like needed the protection (and I can see now that it served me well), but lately I have been working on removing that hard outer shell so that my light can shine through.

How about you?  Are you different on the outside then you feel on the inside?  What is stopping you from shining your inner light out into the world?  Oh, I know it's scary.  I've been there, heck, a lot of the time I am still there... but I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

If this resonates with you but you aren't sure where to start, remember this:

The REAL you is so much better than the person you think you should be...

It is my mantra for personal transformation!

With love,

PS: Here's a sneak peak of the new do:

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Another walk down Storylane

Today's post over on StoryLane:

Oh man. One of the elements of Storylane that I like is the fact that people can ask you to write on a certain topic. Again, this particular topic is one that I likely wouldn't have chosen to write on. Why? It makes me feel vulnerable. Yuck. You know, that feeling when you sit down to write your answer down, step into the flow of writing and what comes forward makes you want to go back to your twitter account and hit 'refresh' forty more times instead? Because you know that if you answer it from your place of truth that when you hit 'send' you very well might actually throw up from the feelings of anxiety. At the very least, your hands will get all sweaty and your heart rate will increase. Fun stuff being vulnerable. Really fun.

Ah well, I am going for it.

The question is: 'How would your classmates remember you?"

When I go deep on this question, to that place where I feel vulnerable (yuck), what comes forward is 'filled with drama'. I grew up with two brothers who have quite severe and ongoing medical challenges. My parents spent a great deal of time travelling with the boys to access medical care. Not wanting to increase their stress at home, I generally tried to stay out of the way and 'keep the halo shiny', especially when I was younger. I felt invisible though, like I didn't matter, and in my school environment I wanted to be seen. Thus, throughout my education, I tried to be seen in various ways: when I was younger, it was all about getting good grades and being the teacher's pet. I was fairly successful in this role, at least for several years anyway. As I grew older, it became less about adult attention and more about peer attention. I started to break the rules more and more, and I began to seek out the attention of boys.

Looking back, I can see the 'why' of all of this behaviour, but for a long time I held on to the feelings of shame associated with my actions. I started drinking and smoking from an early age, I struggled with body image and an eating disorder, and my boy-seeking behaviour got me into trouble on more than one occasion.

The truth is, I don't know how my classmates saw me. I don't know if they saw through all of my ridiculous drama to the pain and shame underneath. I kind of doubt it.

I say this because as teenagers, we generally aren't very compassionate or empathetic. We have a hard time getting past all of the 'stuff' that lies on the surface. Heck, we have a hard time doing this as adults a lot of the time! It isn't necessarily an easy thing to do.

At the end of high school, I suffered a loss that shook me to my core, that began the process of me waking up to the truth of my actions and their consequences. Throughout my entire school career, I had a best friend. Someone who stood by me and all of my crazy drama. Someone who listened patiently as my world 'fell apart' for the 49th time. She was truly an amazing friend. But, by the end of high school, she had had enough. She saw her opportunity to leave the friendship and she took it. And she has never looked back.

To say that this felt like the 'straw that broke the camel's back' is a huge understatement. At the time, losing this friendship felt to me like losing everything.

Today I am grateful for having suffered this loss. It has helped to mould and shape me into the woman that I am today... and I love my life. I love the way that I feel in it. When I was in school I was so uncomfortable with myself, so at odds with my life and everything that happened within it. I was suffering, and worse, I was continually seeking outside of myself for the source of this suffering, someone to blame.

What I know now is that I caused a great deal of my own suffering.
What I know now is that everything is unfolding perfectly (and it always has).
What I know now is that I am worth loving.
What I know now is that I can let go of shame.

Life is amazing and I am grateful.

xo MareBare