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Thursday, April 19, 2012

Getting right to the heart of things...

I want to share a story with you.  It is the story of a healing that I experienced not that long ago.

As you most likely know by now, after my son Chephren was born, I experienced postpartum depression.  And blah, blah, blah I don't want to rehash this part of my life on here all over again, but it is relevant to the healing story so bear with me.  The interesting thing is not the fact that I had the depression, but WHY I had the depression.

You see, for the past year or so I have been on a journey.  A journey with no 'real' destination per se, but one that is taking me deeper and deeper inside myself.  It has been an exploration of self, a self-inquiry if you will.

This journey has had many facets and faces, one of which was looking deeper into the depression.  What I discovered was that the thoughts/ideas that were leading to my depression pertained to my perception of my abilities as a mother.  In other words, the thoughts/beliefs that I was telling myself went something like:

  • I am not a good enough mother - my son is so wonderful that he deserves so much better
  • I can't do anything 'right' when it comes to parenting
  • Any 'mistake' I make will 'wreck him' for life!
And a whole other host of negative-speak, judgements and put-downs.  I wanted to be the 'perfect' mother -- but my idea of perfection at the time was nothing short of ridiculously unattainable!  I looked at every single 'challenge' (having a C-section, difficulty breastfeeding) as evidence that I was failing as a mother.  

Through the self-inquiry process I came to identify these thoughts, was able to admit to myself (and now to the world!) that I was having them and then 'poke holes' in them.  Once I said them out loud, I began to see how preposterous and destructive these thoughts were.  I began to replace them with more neutral thoughts at first (well, maybe I'm not such a bad mom after all, it could be a lot worse) and eventually to more positive thoughts... and this is where the healing story comes in.

Back in February, I spent the weekend with some dear friends in Nordegg (in a place where the energy in an of itself is healing, but that is another story).  We spent two luxuriously long days walking through the forest, sitting in meditation, soaking in the hot tub, laughing and visiting.  

During one of the meditations, I found myself connecting with the hearts of those people who were nearest and dearest to me and 'feeling what it would be like to be loved by me' if that makes any sense.  In other words, I was able to connect my heart with Chephren's heart and truly felt what it would feel like to be loved my (this) mother's love.  Boy was I surprised by what I found: the joy and love in my heart nearly exploded!!!  I began weeping tears of joy and a deep sense of relief washed over me.  I felt lighter, and more peaceful than I have ever felt before.

I realized right then and there that as long as I was loving my son with all of my heart and authentically doing the very best that I could in each and every moment that I couldn't go wrong!  I mean of course I am going to make mistakes and he is still going to continue pushing my buttons (he is THREE after all!), but at the end of the day, our relationship is perfect just the way that it is.  

Do you have any relationships in your life that bring you stress?  Can you take a look at the thoughts surrounding those relationships and identify any negative-speak or judgement?  Can you begin to change the story in your head about those relationships?  

It might seem trivial, but for me, it has helped to bring about a profound shift in my role as a parent.

I wish you all light, love and healing in all of your 'troublesome' relationships!

Marebare xoxo

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