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Friday, April 27, 2012

On Grief and Loss


So, my grandmother (my stepdad’s mom) passed away on Monday.  It was the best case scenario really.  We had over a week’s notice (she began refusing treatment for a life-threatening and worsening condition) and therefore I got to say goodbye to her while she still knew who I was and we both knew that it was our last goodbye.  She was 85 and lived a full, if not difficult at times, life.  She has 7 living children (and 1 who has predeceased her), most of whom who are married, 15 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren. 
Given all of this, when I got the call on Monday morning I felt, well, prepared.  I felt at peace.  Imagine my surprise then, when I got on the phone with a friend on Thursday morning and started crying!  ‘This doesn’t make any sense!’ I kept repeating to my friend.  She laughed and said -- ‘you know Maren, our emotions and our thoughts aren’t made up of the same fabric.  In other words, you can’t reason away an emotion’.  Isn’t that so damn true?  
Even though my belief system is such that, ‘everything is perfect’ and that there really is no death, only transition to another form (or lack of form), I still feel grief, sadness, loss.  But there is a sense of grief with all major transitions isn’t there?  A new job, a new city, or a new house are examples that come to mind.  These types of life transitions can bring us a mixture of emotions - from excitement and hope to longing and sadness.  What is it that creates that sense of sadness, where does it come from?  
Perhaps the sense of loss we feel is from the space that is created by that transition.  What I am trying to say is what is gone is gone.  It’s over.  And what is to come hasn’t been created yet.  You haven’t started filling up that space yet.  So it’s empty... and isn’t that what grief is?  A feeling of emptiness?  Sometimes it takes a looooong time to fill up that space, such as when you lose a child, or a parent, or a close friend.  But eventually, that space will be filled, and you will feel whole again.  I am absolutely not saying that you will forget your loved one, because you won’t, not EVER.  But you won’t always feel the hole that was left by their departure.  I like to think that instead of a hole in your soul - you are left with an imprint.
Not surprisingly, this post has Divine Perfect Timing, as we are approaching the one-year anniversary of our dear friend Brent’s passing.  Now there is an imprint on my soul that I am forever grateful to have!  Gone but never forgotten my friend!
This is a bit of a heavier topic than I normally write about, but it is an important one.  Because grief and loss are inescapable.  They are part of the Human Experience... experiences that we were MEANT to have.  So when faced with any kind of loss, remember to be kind to yourself, honour your emotions and know that they don’t have to make sense!  And know, always, that ‘this too shall pass’...
   
RIP Marie Rose McConnell
March 13, 1927 - April 23, 2012

With love,
Marebare xoxo

2 comments:

  1. I'm very sorry for your loss. For me, it always seems to be a shock when a loved one is gone, no matter how prepared I think I am.

    I find your theory on grief enlightening and somehow comforting.

    Take care of yourself!

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  2. I, too believe that nothing is ever created or destroyed - things just change form. But while that's a comforting idea, or belief or whatever, it doesn't change the fact that when a person exits your life they leave a huge hole.

    But in truth, would we really want it any other way? I mean what if it didn't hurt at all to lose someone you love? Somehow I think that would be worse.

    Take care and please know that I'm thinking about you.

    xoxoxo

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